30) I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a difference.
29) Does anyone have KFC on their bucket list?
28) To share is human, to Retweet divine.
27) "Dance like nobody's looking, sing like nobody's listening, and tweet like somebody's reading." | RT @talkup2me
26) When Sting retires he intends to change his name to Stung.
25) Give a man a fish and you can feed him for a day, teach him to use an Xbox 360 Wireless Controller and he won't bother you for weeks.
24) I'm watching Alfred Hitchcock's "North by Northwest." Surprised he took it in this direction.
23) I'm counting my lucky stars. So far I'm at a count of zero.
22) I want to live with a synonym girl. I could be convivial, the rest of my life, with a synonym girl. #NeilYoung
21) Age is just a number. Unless u mean like Paleolithic or Neolithic. Then it's a word.
20) My new shampoo promises more body. It seems to be working: gained 5 pounds this week.
19) Someone asked me if I write the jokes I tweet. I said, "Just the original ones."
18) I find the word 'objectionable' objectionable!
17) My kid asked me if pork comes from porcupines. I said, "No. Pork comes from Congress." He didn't even laugh.
16) From now on, when I say, "It's a long story!" to someone ... what I will mean is that it is longer than 140 characters.
15) He said, "But I'm lost without you!" She said, "Buy a GPS."
14) I wrote a prom joke, but I can't recall the punch line.
13) The blind date I had last night wasn't too sharp. I asked her if she wanted to watch a Hitchcock film. She said she doesn't like porn.
12) Do they call it a Twitter 'feed' because there are so many pigs and chickens here?
11) Laughter is the best medicine ... as long as you are not actually sick.
10) Facebook's stock price has hit a wall.
9) I auditioned for the role of Ted in that new comedy film, but they said I was too furry.
8) My company recently replaced the receptionist with a perceptionist: she's adept at making others perceive that she's actually doing work.
7) I don't understand a lot of the stuff they pass off as comedy on those late-night shows. Watched "Nightline" last night and didn't laugh once!
6) Never underestimate the power of bad advice.
5) A mommy blogger was overheard saying to her young child: "I like to hide under the cloak of anonymity when I Tweet." Her child replied, "You mean like Batman?"
4) I know who Yo-Yo Ma is, but I don't know if there's a Yo-Yo Pa.
3) Ever notice that some people make a lot of dollars, while others make a lot of sense!
2) The pizza they served at the Math Club party at school had the best Pi crust ever!
1) I pitched my idea for a coffee-table book called Fifty Shades of Lamps. The publisher was turned off by the idea.
10) If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
9) No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
8) Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
7) Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
6) No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
5) Who needs an expensive home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
4) You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
3) No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
2) It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
1) Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
Robin Williams on "Social Media"
(Warning: Expletives in this video!)
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Six men will be dropped on an island named Paramus with 1 minivan and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports AND takes music, dance or lessons on both. There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and take care of a pet cat and dog. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off based on performance. The winner gets to go back to his job.